Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
This has become a bit of an annual ritual, hasn’t it? But it’s been two years now since we started and – like some relationships two years in – things have gone a bit stale and need spicing up. What? No, you’re projecting. Shut up.
Anyway, this year we’re including nobody who’s ever made it into the fit XI in past years. Change is coming. 2017 lads, 2018 hunks, you’re in the past now.
What better way to feel great about your life on Valentine’s Day than to look at a bunch of genetically perfect millionaires, alone, on your phone or laptop? Exactly.
Goalkeeper: Paulo Gazzaniga
If you haven’t seen Paulo Gazzaniga before – and to be fair, it’s not like he’s played week in, week out anywhere in this country – you’re welcome.
We ignore that he’s shaved his head and looks about 70% worse recently, he’s still got the eyes. Ah, the eyes…
Bonus fact: His middle name is Dino.
Right-Back: Ramin Rezaeian
If there was a competition for best looking national team, Iran would win hands down. Sorry Spain. But apparently it’s ‘not editorially justifiable’ to do a bit where every single player on this list is in the Iranian World Cup squad, so Ramin Rezaeian is the nod. Obviously. Look at him!
Also? Four consecutive vowels in his name. That’s cool.
Centre-Back: Joe Gomez
He does a good line in smouldering looks, he’s a bit injury prone so he’ll have more time to spend at home with you…Joe Gomez, on the plane.
Honourable mention for Fabian Schar, if only to shut up the *squints* 7,185 people on Twitter who kept going on about him.
Centre-Back: Maya Yoshida
Strong. Tall. Experienced. Serious. Distinguished. Maya Yoshida…is daddy?
Left-Back: Jose Gaya
Dark eyes, thick hair, boyishly handsome face (to be fair, he is only 23) and – most importantly – a basically generically good looking left-back when there are so few out there.
Right Wing: Keita Baldé Diao
Oh yeah, now we’re getting to it. A wicked smile, a glint in the eye and the kind of upper body that makes everyone else in the gym locker room look down at themselves and ask ‘honestly, what’s the point of bothering?’
Central Midfield: Ruben Loftus-Cheek
Roftus Loftus-Choftus is so wonderfully, ‘take home to mum’ safe in his inarguable handsomeness that he’s almost a doubt for this team. Sometimes you want a bit more of an edge, you know?
But nah. He’s too good looking. He stays.
Central Midfield: Andre Gomes
*insert template of handsome Iberian footballer here*
Honourable mention: Granit Xhaka
Left Wing: Filip Kostić
Filip Kostić has a jaw so strong it could bench the rest of this team single-handedly – and would grow a single hand so that it could do it. This man’s jaw could fight the entire cast of The Expendables in their primes. Filip Kostić’s jaw absolutely fuc——I’m being told I’m not allowed to write that.
Striker: Alexandre Lacazette
If you aren’t charmed to death by this man when he turns his eyes on you and flashes that smile, you should probably go immediately to the nearest hospital because it appears you might be dead.
Striker: Fernando Llorente
O captain, my captain.
Honourable mention: Kelechi Iheanacho
Manager: Herve Renard
A 50-year-old man is the best looking person in football. Does Herve ‘Jaime Lannister but with crisp, half unbuttoned white shirts’ Renard spark joy? You bet he does.
Honourable mention: Pepe Bordalas