However, this facade soon falls away when one of them is asked to go in goal. Looking into their eyes, there exists a base level of anxiety-ridden terror but there’s also a little glint of hope. “Maybe I can be the hero here?”
These juxtaposing emotions were no more evident than in the expressions pulled by Kyle Walker when he saw
Arsenal – David Luiz
They say you have to be eccentric to be a goalkeeper and who’s more eccentric than the Sideshow Bob-looking, error-loving, free kick-scoring Brazilian centre-back? No other candidate even comes close.
Aston Villa – Jota
Left-wing, right-wing, attacking midfield, striker – Jota can play everywhere. What’s to say he can’t add goalkeeping to his extensive repertoire as well?
He’s also got a beard. Tim Howard has a beard. Alisson has a beard. People with beards are therefore good in goal. Next.
Bournemouth – Dominic Solanke
Dominic Solanke has scored one goal in 41 Premier League games. He clearly doesn’t have what it takes to be a striker at the highest level so why not re-train as a goalkeeper instead? He’s quite tall too, which should help. I guess.
Brighton – Glenn Murray
It’s just not right seeing such a legend like Glenn Murray rotting away on the bench for the Seagulls.
As he’s unlikely to displace Neal Maupay and Aaron Connolly any time soon, the 36-year-old should try and carve out a goalkeeping career. It might also lessen the wear and tear on his ageing joints.
Burnley – Aaron Lennon
Aaron Lennon definitely would not be good in goal, but it would be very funny to watch a man of just 5’5 try and keep shots out of the net. Please make it happen Sean Dyche.
Chelsea – Ruben Loftus-Cheek
Ruben Loftus-Cheek has the perfect build for a goalkeeper – well over 6′ tall and built strong like ox.
The guy is an absolute machine and would take quite some beating if he played in goal.
Crystal Palace – Luka Milivojevic
If you can score a penalty, you can save a penalty (probably). This makes Milivojevic, who scored ten spot kicks last season, the perfect man to trust with the goalkeeping gloves.
Everton – Moise Kean
According to his manager Marco Silva, Moise Kean has played ’many many time’ as a right-winger in his career. He hasn’t, Silva was mistaken. He probably thinks Kean can play in goal as well, so watch out Jordan Pickford.
Leicester City – Jamie Vardy
Vardy would take the term sweeper-keeper to a whole new level.
Any time a striker came within sight of his goal he’d be out like a greyhound to snuff out the danger. He’d never even have to make a save!
Liverpool – Dejan Lovren
Dejan Lovren once described himself as unlucky to not be considered to be better than Sergio Ramos.
With that level of delusion, what’s to stop the Croatian from conning himself into thinking he’s the next big thing in the goalkeeping world?
Manchester City – Fernandinho
Ever since he arrived at the club, Pep Guardiola has been moving Fernandinho closer and closer towards his own goal.
From defensive midfield, to centre-back…finally to goalkeeper? You know it makes sense.
Manchester United – Scott McTominay
There aren’t many players more imposing in the Manchester United team than David de Gea, but Scott McTominay just about fits the bill.
Towering a whole one centimetre over the Spaniard, McTominay’s rangy legs would also allow him to mimic De Gea’s trademark lower body saves.
Newcastle United – Andy Carroll
We all know Andy Carroll loves a header, and the 30-year-old could use this aerial prowess to completely revolutionise the goalkeeping position.
Who needs to use your hands when you’ve got a magnetic field radiating from your head like Carroll? Imagine diving headers to save long-range efforts seemingly destined for the top corner. Sold.
Norwich City – Teemu Pukki
They say being a goalkeeper is all about positioning, and who’s better at positioning themselves to score than the Premier League’s Finish poacher?
Just when a striker thinks he’s got an easy chance, Pukki will be there – “I knew you’d be there mate, that’s where I would’ve stood.” Genius.
Sheffield United – Oliver Norwood
Goalkeeping isn’t all about shot-stopping, it’s about distribution as well. That’s why Ollie Norwood is ideal for the job.
No outfield player has attempted more long balls than Norwood this season, meaning he’d be the perfect candidate to start counter-attacks after making a big save.
Southampton – Cédric Soares
This isn’t a lot of science behind this one. Cedric just seems to always put in at least a seven-out-of-ten performance and this is exactly the sort of consistency you need in your goalkeeper. Next.
Tottenham – Harry Kane
Harry Kane has previous in this area, being forced to go in goal following Hugo Lloris’ dismissal against
Watford – Troy Deeney
Troy Deeney is a big boy. A wide boy. He’d fill the goal up nicely, while his snarls would also surely put off on-rushing strikers. He’s the perfect candidate.
West Ham – Angelo Ogbonna
Ogbonna is second to only Tyrone Mings in averaging the most blocks in the Premier League this season.
What does that tell you? Ogbonna hates it when the ball goes past him, so let’s stick him in goal.
Wolves – Conor Coady
Marshalling Wolves’ back three in no mean feat, and yet this cheeky Scouser has been doing it with ease for a number of seasons.
With organisational skills like these, he should be stuck in nets so he has even more players to shout at.