“Jack ranks the best teams in Europe”
Following a week in which:
– Timo Werner scored a pile of goals.
– SSC Napoli conceded a pile of goals.
– Borussia Dortmund lost to a pile of randomers.
– Whitney dropped a pile of great songs from their new record “Forever Turned Around” (check it out).
We, using quotes from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia season five, rank the best teams in Europe.
We rank football teams all the time, dude!
15) Borussia Dortmund (Down 13)
“Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster…”
Well that was a disaster.
A full blown ‘send relief aid’ level disaster.
Borussia Dortmund drop a whopping 13 places in 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings this week because they were beaten by Bundesliga new-boys UNION BERLIN (bet you couldn’t name any of their players) 3-1.
14) Vitesse (New Entry)
Goedemorgen Vitessenaren ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Ook zo lekker wakker geworden vanochtend? 朗
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀#Vitesse #vitaz pic.twitter.com/F0EI0HkZYL
— Vitesse (@MijnVitesse) September 2, 2019
“How about your favourite food, what would that be?”
A lot like steak cooked in milk, Vitesse being on 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings really shouldn’t be a thing.
And yet, here we are: with Charlie Day eating milk-steak and Vitesse (the Chelsea C-team) on this week’s edition of the power rankings.
They, weirdly, deserve to be too, because they’re, weirdly, sitting atop of the Eredivisie table – ahead of Ajax, PSV, etc. – after beating AZ Alkmaar 2-1 last weekend.
13) Arsenal (Re-Entry)
12) Ajax (Down 5)
“We live and die by the crab Dee.”
Ajax live and die by their policy of a top upheaval of their squad every season.
Ajax live and die by Total Football.
Ajax live and die by trusting youth.
At the moment, it’s working.
11) Paris Saint-Germain (Re-Entry)
Paris Saint-Germain is pleased to announce the signing of @MauroIcardi.
The 26-year-old Argentine striker joins the club on a one-season loan until 30 June 2020 with a purchase option.
He is the 16th player from Argentina in the history of the club.
❤️ #ICICESTPARIS pic.twitter.com/FCnHPSBMOr
— Paris Saint-Germain (@PSG_English) September 2, 2019
“Hey, you want a skinless apple, bud?”
The shine may have taken off Mauro Icardi by him and his agent/wife being, well, not very well-perceived people.
So, with his talent only in mind, Paris Saint-Germain made a bloody brilliant signing on deadline day; one that may (probably not…but you never know), provide the killer instinct they need to go all the way in the UEFA Champions League this season.
10) SSC Napoli (Down 4)
“Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! The eagle’s born out of thunder. He flies through the night. Don’t you mess with his eggs now, or you’ll see us fight! Yes we have feathers, but the muscles of men. ‘Cuz we’re birds of war now, but we’re also men! Birds of war! Ah ah ah ah!!”
That one must’ve hurt.
However, there was a silver-lining to the heartbreak: she was a complete bi…I mean, ahem, Napoli showed some real fighting spirit.
Coming from three goals down to the all-conquering Juventus is no mean feat, even if they would go on to lose the game.
Plus, she was a complete b*tch.
9) Torino (New Entry)
“By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine thing, I think it’s brilliant. I mean I’m active, I’m gesturing with my hands, and I don’t feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I’d be spilling wine all over the god damn place.”
In the following metaphor:
Boxed wine = Atalanta
We all thought wine in a box was the best invention of all time. The perfect way to drink two litres of wine during a dinner party without anyone ever knowing; the opaque vessel that could hide our alcoholism.
But then, out of nowhere, a gift from the Gods.
As opaque as the box, but lighter, easier to carry, AND – the kicker – keeps your wine fresher and cooler than a box ever could.
So yes, all of the above means one simple thing:
Torino are like last year’s Atalanta, but better. Funner. Cooler. Flyer.
8) Leicester City (New Entry)
Ummmm, it just was.
…It wasn’t that different actually…
So, are Leicester City going to win the league?
I think so…
7) Atletico Madrid (Up 5)
6) Inter (Down 2)
5) RB Leipzig (-)
“And then he smells crime again, he’s out busting heads. Then he’s back to the lab for some more full penetration. Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.”
And then he smells crime again, he’s out busting heads. Then he’s back to the lab for some goals. Smells crime. Back to the lab, goals. Crime. Goals. Crime. More goals. Crime. Goal. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the game just sort of ends, with Timo Werner winning man of the match and RB Leipzig accumulating another three points.
4) Juventus (Up 6)
“D: Demonstrate Value”
“E: Engage Physically”
“N: Nurture Dependence”
“N: Neglect Emotionally”
“I: Inspire Hope”
“S: Separate Entirely”
G: Gonzalo Higuain and Danilo demonstrated their value.
S: Sami Khedira engaged physicality.
C: Cristiano Ronaldo nurtured Juventus’ dependance on him.
P: Paulo Dybala was neglected.
N: Napoli inspired hope by coming from three goals down to draw level in the final ten minutes.
J: Juventus separated themselves entirely from not just SSC Napoli, but the rest of Serie A, with a last minute winner.
The G.S.C.P.N.J. system.
I can’t lie, it doesn’t have the same ring to it as the D.E.N.N.I.S system, but it’s also not as creepy.
3) Manchester City (-)
“Cat in the wall, eh? Ok, now you’re talking my language. I know this game.”
Manchester City beat Brighton & Hove Albion 4-0 last weekend.
Of course they did.
It’s Manchester City, and Brighton dropped Shane Duffy (Graham Potter is an idiot).
2) Bayern Munich (Up 6)
“Oh whoops, ooh! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!”
Inside six minutes, Bayern Munich were one down to Mainz at the Allianz Stadium.
75 minutes later, they were 6-1 up.
What happened in those intervening 75 minutes was, essentially, Bayern showing off their massive magnum do…array of incredible attacking talent.
1) Liverpool (-)
“What if he can smell crime??”
“…What if he smells crime?”
“Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?”
“Holy shit dude, that’s amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!”
“WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.”
Virgil van Dijk.
The guy is really, really, really good.
So good that we think he actually might be able to smell attacks before they happen, snuffing them out before they even get started.
So good that he might win the Ballon d’Or.
So good (so good, so good).