It’s award season baby! With the Golden Globes in the pocket, film stars everywhere are gearing up for Sunday’s main event: the 92nd annual Academy Awards.
It’s just…well…it’s all a bit boring.
The formula is as follows: some famous face from the past reads out the winner who then gives a ridiculously insincere speech, before scuttling off to guzzle champagne with their equally insincere Hollywood friends.
Also, there’s not enough football.
Never fear though, we are is here to save the day. So, without further ado, welcome to the 1st Annual Footballing Academy Awards, brought to you by 90min.
Peter Crouch is everywhere at the moment. Since retiring in the summer he has started an award winning podcast, picked up a spate of punditry work and even started writing a newspaper column.
Most impressively though, he has managed to accomplish all of this while remaining fairly popular. It won’t last long though and before the hype train dies down, 90min are going to capitalise on the flavour of the month by booking him as our host for the evening.
We expect Crouchie’s blindingly white teeth and laid back persona to go down very well with the capacity crowd in attendance.
Kicking off proceedings is the award for best documentary, presented by a true pioneer of the genre: Mike Bassett, of England Manager fame.
And the winner is…
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
Presented by David Beckham, the winner of Best Makeup and Hairstyling is the people’s champion…Allan Saint-Maximin!
Saint-Maximin’s barnet is a defiant piece of expressionism art and everyone agrees he is a deserved winner – everyone except Neymar that is.
Fuming about being overlooked, the Paris Saint-Germain star storms the stage – Kanye West style – and rants for 25 minutes about how he is fashion GOD.
Crouchie is too nice to say anything and just lets him tire himself out, until his entourage finally drag him off stage…
Best Costume Design
With Neymar finally dealt with and Crouch settling everyone down with a few jokes about his time spent playing with Robert Huth – god he’s so charming, isn’t he? – it’s time for the next award,
After much speculation, the gong is eventually handed to Arsenal‘s costume department for their bruised banana-inspired away strip.
Hector Bellerin was supposed to be collecting the award but we have to make do with him on FaceTime as he’s at a much cooler party somewhere in east London.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Ultimately, neither of them gets the award though as young upstart Jadon Sancho swoops in.
Seventy-eight seconds of Virgil van Dijk reacting to 50,000 people signing his song in Madrid, the day Liverpool won the European Cup pic.twitter.com/CqtYGnlJBj
— The Anfield Wrap (@TheAnfieldWrap) November 13, 2019
Presented by David Baddiel and Frank Skinner, the next award is for Best Original Song
A few fans were harbouring hopes that one of the various adaptations of “Pump it Up” might secure the win. Thankfully though, the winner is Jamie Webster for his rendition of Dirty Old Town with Virgil van Dijk inspired lyrics.
A video of Webster performing the track to thousands of rabid Liverpool fans is projected onto a big screen, which moves some of the audience to tears.
Actor in a Leading Role
Oh it’s the big one, one of the big ones anyway. Presented by Steven Gerrard and Mark Noble this award goes to the captain of the year.
No one even came close to touching Jordan Henderson for the gong and his acceptance speech is ruthlessly efficient – much like his football.
Presenting the directing/manager of the year award is…Tim Sherwood?! Oh, apparently Sir Alex Ferguson pulled out last minute and he was the only person available.
Sherwood takes a ludicrously long time to announce the winner, rambling on about all manner of nonsense – mostly the merits of playing 4-4-2.
Finally, the envelope is opened and the name read out…Christopher John Wilder.
Jurgen Klopp had looked a shoe-in for the crown, right before he told 90min he was boycotting the event because we scheduled it during his players’ winter break.
Neil Critchley storms out of the ceremony in disgust…
It’s the finalé and there is no better way to end than with the best picture category.
The photo of Mike Dean giving it bigguns in the Tranmere away end and an image of fireworks at the opening of Spurs’ new stadium are both contenders, but they are edged out by the above shot of Vincent Kompany.
Taken after the Manchester City captain had won his side the Premier League title with an absolute thunderbolt, the still captures the emotion of both the players and the supporters brilliantly.
Football is beautiful.
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